There is more self exhibitionism now than ever. Look how much money I have. Look how hot I’ve become. Look how great my boyfriend is. Social media has made life a stage.
The bigger the audience grows with likes and follows, the more the constructed persona is gratified. There is pleasure in seeing people as obsessed with us as we are with ourselves.
There is a self obsession that makes us hyper conscious of how others perceive us, and hyper vigilant over how we conduct ourselves. In this self involvement, we see ourselves through the eyes of others, and fixate on the external world.
Self obsession turns to a masturbation of the ego and the larger self is neglected. In bouts of self obsession we suffer because life is happening on a grander scale and we fixate on small frivolities of the persona. Opinions about the world is not self knowledge. Opinions about others is not self knowledge. Preferences aren’t self knowledge. The most soothing remedy for self obsession is to go outside of the smaller self.
Self knowledge is different from self obsession because it is an examination of a higher self. The self that can’t be marketed on Instagram or articulated through posts. The self that speaks through dreams and stillness. The self you know in solitude, not in relation to others and social contracts. It’s the self in and of itself.
Lao Tze said that "Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom." Aristotle had a similar view, stating “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." When we can know our truest desires, our purpose for living, and our source of love, there’s insight. But how to know oneself?
I know myself when I’m extracted from what I’ve attempted to define myself through. Who am I when noone else is around? I isolate and disconnect from the world for a bit to connect to something deeper within. I know my true nature with precision in silence and stillness. I see my true nature by taking a break from the busyness. I extricate myself from the hollowness of a life jam packed with things. Live without but within.
I slow down. I fast. I don’t have sex. I don’t drink gin and party till sunrise. I don’t see friends for a week. Who am I without these things?
It seems counterintuitive, but to connect to self knowledge I must disconnect from the world. I disconnect from the previous methods of connection. I say no to dancing for a bit. I say no to sex with the beautifully sculpted man. I don’t doom scroll on social media. Renouncing these things is painful at first because I want the rushes and pleasures.
Still, I hold out, and life becomes clearer. My place in the world begins to make more sense when I step out of all of the things I’ve milked. The overstimulated mind gets a bit less choppy, and the waves are pacified. I relax.
Depression happens from the pain of the unrecognized self, the self who is not given room to exist and is stifled by the should’s and the ought to’s. It happens when life does not feel like one’s own.
To go back to the bare essentials is to see who you are clearly. It’s a de-cluttering that reveals the core. The core of who you are is far more interesting than who you pretend to be, or believe yourself to be.
When I emerge from the renunciate life, I am a person who can operate in the world from a more conscious place. I know myself because I know what I am not.
This larger self doesn’t need to be stressed over and polished up like the smaller self. It doesn’t need to be gratified constantly or obsessed over with a meticulous hand. It’s a resting place that doesn’t need much, just your attention.
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